True Tales from Michigan's North

Welcome Home Wade
August 2010

Well, sooner or later it had to happen. There is a rule up north men must follow to be up north men. No, not the Code of the North; that is a code and can’t be broken. This is a rule and rules are not necessarily hard & fast. The Rule: men must not travel below the 45th parallel because then you would be leaving Up North. You would then be Down-State. Nobody wants to be Down State. However, there comes a time in every man’s life when he absolutely must go Down-State: death in the family..., well actually that’s just about it and then it depends on who died. Anyway, usually there are consequences for breaking rules, but the consequences of this instance, like most consequences, were both learning and beautiful experiences.

My reason for heading to Down State, was that my God Daughter was in a Great Cheer-A-Thon. Now this is the dilemma I was in. Disappoint my God Daughter or remain true to the Up North Man Rule. Well, when you look at the word in front of Daughter, that carries a lot of weight, so my decision was made: head to Traverse City to the Great Cheer-A-Thon. Besides, I could spend some time Down-State, visit others and do some business and then only be charged for breaking The Rule once. Pretty clever, I thought; my mind just never stops working.

So I get to TC and the Great Cheer-A-Thon and enter the auditorium just in time for the Goneaway Girls Big Cheer. I’ll admit they were pretty good. So imagine my amazement when some in the crowd started Booing. Holy Cow, I thought, how rude. I turned around to see who was Booing, and there was Sweet Amy leading the Booing and the whole Goneaway crowd was following. Several signs sprouted up like “Lose now so you won’t be disappointed later” and “No Place is better than Last Place”. Now I have been an Up North guy for almost 20 years, and I had never seen anything like this. Needless to say, the Goneaway girls didn’t place in the Great Cheer-A-Thon. Afterwards, I found Sweet Amy and asked “WHY?” and Amy asked “WHY WHAT?”.

“Why would you boo your own children?”, I asked.

Her explanation was simple.

“If they would have placed today, they would have gone to St. Louis. Have you ever been to St. Louis, Michigan?” she asked. “It’s not very nice, nothing there. Nobody wanted to go there so we booed” she continued.

I replied, “Your right about St. Louis, Michigan, but I don’t think they meant St. Louis, Michigan, I think they meant St. Louis, Missouri-Casinos, Shopping, great restaurants”

“Oops”, she said. “Who would’ve thought there was another St. Louis, in Missouri you say? Well, as I live & breathe”

“Yes Amy, as I live and breathe, also”, I thought. But then as I thought about it, it probably would have cost God Father Wade some real bucks to help send my God Daughter to Missouri, so I’m just as glad, they lost and I didn’t even have to Boo my God Daughter. Life just seems to work out well, sometimes.

After this experience, and after a few days, I was heading back to Goneaway. As the scenery switched to northwoods, I knew I was getting closer and my excitement grew. Finally I reached the outskirts of Goneaway and I knew I was home where my dog, friends and beloved Babe lived. As I entered the downtown area, I was stunned by what happened next.

I knew I was highly respected within the community, but this was overwhelming. As I drove through town, it seemed like the whole town had come out to welcome me back. All along the sidewalks people were lined up to greet me. The cheering grew louder and louder as I approached downtown Goneaway. I didn’t know what to do; this was totally unexpected. So being a man of the people, I rolled down my windows and waved back. The cheers grew louder, I waved harder. I must admit, I was really caught up in the moment. Then it happened.

Just as I neared downtown, those dreaded lights appeared in my rearview mirror. Yes, the dreaded officer Timmons was after me. I knew I didn’t do anything wrong, so I continued through the throngs. Then the siren. I knew the siren meant trouble, I pulled to the curb frustrated that Officer Timmons was ruining my homecoming and the welcoming ceremony that the citizens had planned for me. I knew after this wonderful moment that even officer Timmons couldn’t spoil my day. I knew that I had not done anything wrong, but knowing officer Timmons, that really didn’t matter. Like Arizona, he just likes to pull you over and ask for your license and registration, just because he can. (I would just like the world to know, we had that first here in Goneaway). For another example, he once gave his own mother a ticket for jay-walking. It didn’t matter that she crossed the street to get her mail from her mail box. He told her to walk to the corner and cross; when she refused he cuffed her, threw her walker in the patrol car and took her downtown. Needless to say that sent a message to criminals everywhere.

Anyway, as I sat there waiting for officer Timmons, his patrol car went right past me, siren and lights blaring and glaring. Whew, he must be after someone else, I thought to myself. So, I waited for officer Timmons to pass, then I waited for a school bus to pass, then another string of cars and then I pulled out and got in line behind the string of cars following the school bus. As I brought up the rear, the people were still cheering, but less enthusiastically. Thanks a lot officer ‘buzz killer’ Timmons, I thought. But, my enthusiasm was still high, so I continued to wave and honk my horn.

As I approached the 210 Highway, I knew that I was on my last leg. I turned onto the old 210 and I could still hear the cheers behind me. I thought, to all those people who thought I was crazy to move up here, I wish you were here to witness what I just witnessed.

When I got home to my beloved Rainy River Ranch, I excitedly told Babe of my experience. Unexcitedly she replied, “thats nice dear, here is the paper”. I took the paper and we walked out on our deck to survey the Rainy River Valley. I glanced at the headlines “Goneaway Girls Head to State Finals” and told Babe, “by the way they welcomed me home, I’ll bet they really gave those girls a send off. Sorry I missed it. Goneaway has gotta be the friendliest place on earth. It’s just like they said in the Field of Dreams, ‘Is this heaven. No, its Goneaway’ or something like that”.