True Tales from Michigan's North

Hello Friends,
Wade McSpade here.

Open Letter to Number 8

It has been awhile since I last spoke to you. I was being cautious and patient because I wanted to make sure that before writing that I had my title correct. Not that the story was to be different, but I had to make sure of the title. When dealing with Sweet Amy, the story never changes, just the number, which in this case, is also the title.

When I last spoke to you, Sweet Amy had parted with number 7, the 210 Tavern reopened and then reclosed and I had received a joyous reception upon my return from down state. Well to bring you up to date, it took longer than normal for Sweets to replace number 7 with number 8. About 20 minutes, to be more exact. Hence my delay in writing this story. Since it took Sweet Amy so long to replace number 7, I felt that she was getting desperate and “settled” for whatever she could get. That being the case, I didn’t feel the relationship would last long. So I had to wait to determine whether this would be an open letter to number 8 or number 9. As it turned out and as of this date, I was wrong. Sweet Amy is now engaged to a man, number 8, who seems to be a very nice. I say seems because he has a very serious flaw. The fact that he is a Fudgie and lives downstate is not the “flaw”. We can overlook that he is a Fudgie, because as told before, there just aren’t that many men up here that Sweet Amy hasn’t already dated. However, there is another flaw. No flaw is not a strong enough word. Billy the Kid had a flaw. John Dillinger had a flaw. So flaw is not the word I am looking for. I must pause here and come up with a better word or phrase to describe Number 8.

I think I may have found the word I am looking for. I took out my Thesaurus and came up with nothing. So, I sat down to ponder and sometimes I do my best pondering watching tv. Lo and behold while watching the Cartoon Channel, Daffy Duck gave me the word I was looking for.

To quote Daffy as he argued with Elmer Fudd, “You are Despicable”. Number 8, you are Despicable because you are about to unleash forces in the North Country that you cannot possibly understand. All because you are smitten by our own Sweet Amy, who has smit so many others before you. What are these forces you don’t understand. It is called the Code of the North and it has been in place for untold generations. And now, it could all come tumbling down like the walls of Jericho. All because of YOU.

Oh, I’m sorry. You are from downstate. Maybe you don’t understand what you are doing and what you are destroying. Let me explain what the Code of the North is before we judge you as despicable. The Code of the North: “A man has three jobs: Hunt, Fish and find gainful employment for his wife.” You do not hunt. You do not fish. You are working to support your future wife. You are probably asking, “Why is this so bad??” Foolish question, but after all you are a Fudgie. First, the Code has been in place for generations. Second, Sweet Amy was the pillar of the Up North female community that upheld and accepted the Code. She set the example. She supported her other seven husbands and was proud of it. Since she set the example and did it so well, the other women up here just followed and accepted the Code. Now you have ‘swept the Queen of the North’ off her feet. You have turned her from her Up North roots and culture to a downstate suburban pampered concubine. Now I’m stuck again. Concubine is probably not the right term either. Sweet Amy probably doesn’t even know what a concubine is, but she is quickly learning what pampered means. Until I come up with a better term, ‘pampered concubine’ it is. If other women up here see that you are supporting Sweet Amy in a manner that she is unaccustomed, then they would expect the same thing from their husbands. Think of what would happen then. All us men would have to get jobs and decent paying jobs at that. Which would mean that most of us would have to move down state. All the Up North bars where we drink and tell stories would close. Horrors, the bars might even be replaced by nail salons and live theaters. The DNR would lose untold revenues from hunting & fishing licenses and poaching fines. The State of Michigan would go broke. All because of one man and one woman and their selfish disregard of tradition. Sweet Amy should know better, but we are giving you the benefit of the doubt.

We men have a very good thing going on here. I feel I have to be fair and give you this opportunity. Please change your ways and join us. Quit your job. Learn to hunt and fish or at least learn to lie about your hunting and fishing as I do. It is expected. For God’s sake man, use your imagination here. You could tell Amy to go back to work by pawning the ring and reopening the 210 Tavern. AhHah. In everyone’s life there is an AhHah moment. I just had mine and it is “maybe you don’t want her to pawn that ring because it isn’t real.” While walking through Lowes the other day, I saw a bin full of glass door knobs that looked just like the ring on Sweet Amy’s finger. Besides that ring is way too impractical for Sweets. How could she lift her arm and aim her shot gun with that dead weight on her hand. Please change, that would be the audacious move. (I didn’t get “audacious” from Daffy Duck.). Join our brotherhood.

If you can’t change, then leave. Never to return. If necessary take Sweet Amy with you. Yes we would be willing to give up our own Sweet Amy. I would rather never see my pretend daughter and pretend grandkids again, than have you destroy a culture and lifestyle and force me to go to work. Leave and I will wish you well for the next 4 years. Why for just 4 years and two months? Because I have 4 years and 3 months in the Sweet Amy replacement pool. I gotta win this pool. I need the money because my wife would like one of those door knobs from Lowes on her finger. See what you are doing to our Up North culture already.

Now don’t take this as a threat and I’m only telling you this because Sweets is my pretend daughter and I kind of like you. We have a lot of “hunting accidents” up here during deer hunting season. What is strange about the accidents is that all of the victims are Fudgies. Those that are actually found, have all been “accidently” shot. I guess that happens because they are wearing camo-buckskin and fake antlers. Strange outfits to be wearing during deer season, but even the police know that Fudgies do very stupid things.

Those are your choices. Change, leave, or you and Sweet Amy after you are married will forever be known in the North, not as Mr. & Mrs. Eight, or Mr. & Mrs. Audacious, but as Mr. and Mrs. Despicable. Thank You Daffy Duck.